I've been thinking about this recently--how to expand safely. By expand, I mean: try new things, take risks, put yourself (and your work!) out there.
Sometimes I think the fear associated with "putting myself out there" is enough to shut me down completely. I don't admit to myself that I'm shutting down a dream, of course; it's more insidious than that. I just put it off, tell myself I'll work on it tomorrow, etc.
I saw this in action the other day on a family trip to the playground. My older daughter was in tears because she said two little girls had told her she couldn't sit on a certain bench in the play area. The girls left the bench after a few minutes, but my daughter still didn't want to go back to it. That's when I realized that the real sting hadn't been over the bench per se, but the feeling of being left out and excluded. "Do you want to play with them?" I asked. She nodded sorrowfully. "Do you feel comfortable asking them if you can play too?" I asked. She indicated that she did not. She's usually quite outgoing and easily befriends kids she has never seen before so I knew something extra must have been going on for her. I don't usually get so involved, but I said to her, "Do you want me to ask if you can join their game?" thinking that perhaps if she saw me confidently approach them this would model something she could do in the future. Maybe I was thinking of the fact that I always felt very shy to strike up conversations with people I didn't know at parties until I was in my mid-twenties and I had a boyfriend who did this all the time and suddenly I realized - I can do that!
So, I approached the girls, my daughter trailing behind me and, let me tell you, they did NOT let me in! Repeatedly, they either ignored me or ran away! And, let me also tell you, it stung! Even as a 42-year-old, approaching six-year-olds, it really stung to have made myself vulnerable and not be received. As my daughter later said, "It made me feel like a speck, like I am the tiniest person in the world."
I had a new compassion for my daughter that day at the playground after I had tried, and failed, to do what she had been trying to do. And it also got me thinking about vulnerability and all of the things that we risk when we show our true selves--whether in a bid for friendship or in some other way of putting ourselves or our work out there for others to see.
All of this has led to me think about expanding safely. Because if you think too much about the fear that is associated with trying something new (like starting a blog! Or a business!), it can stop you in your tracks.
So here is my idea. As a doctoral student and as a young professor--so, for pretty much all of my adult life leading up to the start of the covid pandemic in 2020, I pushed myself to achieve, with no breaks or boundaries around when or how much I expected myself to work. (And, to be honest, no real conversations with myself about whether it was work that I valued doing. If it came my way, I did it.) When covid started, I said to my husband, "I don't want to live through this without letting it change me." I knew I was ready for a change. I knew I was tired of working 7 days a week, for relatively low pay. I knew I was tired of academic culture, of always feeling like I had to be "on," and available to students, tired of the by-nature contentious aspect of evaluating someone's writing and putting a grade on it (which, divorced from that context, now seems absurd).
But, no more! As the creators of one of my favorite podcasts (We Can Do Hard Things, by Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle) say, "I'm on some new sh*t!"
To feel good about moving forward, to feel excited about taking risks, and putting myself out there, I'm telling myself ahead of time that I can say no. I don't have to say 'yes' to every opportunity that comes my way. I don't have to work with every client, if I get the vibe that we're not a good fit. I don't have to take speaking engagements, if preparing for them will stress me out and take me away from my family. I don't even have to finish every book I start or every essay idea I jot down.
Not only am I telling myself that I *can* say no, I'm actually giving myself the assignment to say no--to practice letting other people down, and feeling okay about it. As Liz Gilbert said (also from WCDHT, in an interview on their podcast), "Go out there and disappoint someone!"
Be true to yourself, and that will feel like expanding safely.
Image by Marik Studzinski via Unsplash